I noticed you this morning as you have been getting your paper, gazing wistfully at that flagpole bracket prefer it broke your coronary heart in junior yr. You wish to cling an American flag. It’s summer season. Citronella. Popsicles. It’s pure to really feel the tug of the celebs and stripes.

However what if Craig Doherty—that lawyer for the ACLU who simply moved subsequent door—sees it whereas he’s strolling his canine and thinks you’re a Fox Information-er? Or that you simply’ll be yelling about Soros at block events, or prefacing every part with “As a taxpayer…”?

I’m right here that will help you.

However first, I gotta bust your chops a bit. You liberals made an enormous strategic error if you deserted the flag to the NRA and Fb “Jesus mothers.” Tactically naive, Bob. Symbolic actual property issues.

However relationship restore is a factor, and the flag forgives. You may fly Previous Glory and nonetheless rep the Blue Canine Democrats. It’s simply gonna take a bit contextualizing.

Right here’s how.

1. Pair your flag with a “sibling.”
The rainbow flag is a basic alternative. Clear sign. The trans flag? Even higher. And throw in a Union Sturdy banner. We’re constructing a visible narrative.

2. Maintain a strict 1:3 flag–to–IN THIS HOUSE signal ratio.
Don’t let the flag be the loudest factor in your yard. Steadiness it out with WE BELIEVE… placards in a number of languages. If potential, embody one handmade by a toddler.

3. Purchase a dummy Prius.
Doesn’t must run. Park it in your driveway 24-7. Slap two COEXIST stickers on the bumper. Three in case you’re making an attempt to offset your pickup-truck scenario.

4. Hold the flag the wrong way up.
Add an attention grabbing signal: THIS IS A DISTRESS SIGNAL—NO KINGS! Very of the second.

5. Eugene V. Debs wind chime.

6. Get a Greenpeace fanny pack in your backyard gnome.
Additionally take into account a Bernie birdbath or a Pete Buttigieg climate vane.

7. Set up a sidewalk chalkboard for real-time updates of your ActBlue donations.
Did you give $15 to an Ohio state home race? Good. Brag about it. Patriotism is all about participation.

8. Add an open PBS umbrella to your porch setup.
Prompt credibility. It says: “I’ve seen no less than two-thirds of Ken Burns’s oeuvre.”

9. Cautious: Don’t do eagles.
No eagles in flight, eagles clutching scrolls. That’s opposition branding now. For those who should go birding, attempt a blue heron.

And if you wish to pull out the (forgive the expression) massive weapons:

10. Construct a small pink, white, and blue construction labeled LIBERAL PATRIOTISM ACCOUNTABILITY ZONE.
Inside, embody a pamphlet with stats on drone warfare and an invite to admit you as soon as clapped when a billionaire constructed a rocket. Add a few bean baggage. Encourage dialogue.

There you go, Bob. Ten simple methods to fly your flag with out shedding face on the farm share. Let it flap above your drought-tolerant indigenous pollinator patch like a beacon of responsibly conflicted delight.

The flag belongs to all of us—left, proper, Andrew Yang. You may love your nation and nonetheless side-eye it. That’s actual patriotism.

Now go on. Hold that flag. Beth is dwelling from Sarah Lawrence, and it’ll distract her from my kinetic sculpture of Trump drilling within the US Botanic Backyard.

And if anybody offers you a glance, simply level at your wind chime.