Your greatest mistake wasn’t forgetting that we have now emotions (and social media accounts) of our personal.

Your greatest mistake, in posting “All Disney’s good for lately is a stay motion slog and a CGI clusterfuck,” was pondering that we’re too cute and healthful to retaliate.

Take into account, Bambi was cute, too. Then we killed Bambi’s mother.

Chilly open. Drone footage pushing in on a shiny pink racecar. Again from the depths of 2006, in live-action type, is everybody’s favourite rookie, Lightning McQueen, in a teaser trailer for the Vehicles remake.

However what’s that—one thing on the bumper?

Nope. That’s actual enamel superimposed onto the entrance of an precise automobile. You received’t be smiling when you’ve seen the complete units of enamel we’re giving these issues. I’m not simply speaking about molars and canines—I’m speaking about cavities, gingivitis, and the entire delicate toothpaste trade. Yeah, we’ll schedule the automobiles for some financially ruinous appointments. We’ll make your favourite film a relentless reminder of final yr’s crown and subsequent yr’s automotive bother.

Why is the trailer oddly quiet? That’s the candy absence of Rascal Flatts’ cowl of “Life is a Freeway,” the dwelling, respiratory soul of this ninety-minute household flick, as a result of the Rascals attended a sure inauguration and are thus canceled. And when you’re effective with that, guess what? All you “Freeway” apologists hoping for a loophole can go fuck yourselves, as a result of we’re not even calling Shaboozey or country-era Chappell to cowl it. When you have any political integrity, you’ll by no means hear it once more.

As a substitute, how about we reinvigorate the “car-accident country-song” subgenre, and we kill off Lightning McQueen? Yeah, we might try this. We might canonically homicide Lightning McQueen, and achieve this in such a horrific approach that it leaves your kids mortally disturbed. Then we’ll reply each final one in every of their questions on the place automobiles go once they die.

When Lightning McQueen’s Mack truck companion says “Thank the Producer!” within the unique movie, that was cute. That was humorous. Nicely, we might at all times broaden the hell out of that. Severely, take a second to think about simply how freaky we might make the Creation delusion on this planet of Vehicles, and do it in a approach that makes you’re feeling spiritually responsible and existential. Then your associates in faith will power you to boycott the film and power you to retroactively slander Vehicles, in perpetuity. You’ll even should swap out your little one’s immersive Lightning McQueen twin mattress for a far much less flattering silhouette, ordered with same-day transport from Amazon.

Need extra? Okay, examine it: As a result of all your favourite characters have been priced out of their idyllic Route 66 city by Airbnbs and boutique resorts, they’ve all been shipped off to some desert Amazon warehouse, shackled in a everlasting underclass lining Jeff Bugatti-Bezos’s pockets, and now you’re feeling ethically irresponsible.

Don’t tempt us, we might completely try this.

To everybody’s nice discomfort, we might additionally slap a household of computerized rifle bumper stickers on “Sarge,” and a particularly homosexual Kingdom Hearts reference on “Luigi.” Then we will toss a freaky Tesla in there and see the place it lands on the political spectrum dart board as soon as the image lastly hits the market. Good luck virtue-signal bumper-stickering your approach out of Tesla possession now (with out tearing up the paint job).

Perhaps we’ll give the working-class automobiles of Radiator Springs, who haven’t labored in years on the time of Lightning’s arrival, a authorities bailout or an unrelated xenophobic scapegoat. Or worse, safe them some livable wages, after we hit the ultra-wealthy people of McQueen’s dream sponsor, Dinaco Company, with some society-healing taxation. Or how about we simply depict the automobiles’ liquid dependency on fossil fuels as a metaphor for extractive army pursuits in conveniently war-torn areas?

We’re certain that will go over properly.

Nonetheless not sufficient? How about we give the automobiles erectile dysfunction? Screw it, let’s make it a standard cultural follow within the Vehicles universe for them to eat their vehicle-placentas after a forty-month gestation interval. Perhaps we’ll give everybody in Radiator Springs a Fb account, and uncover what sort of toll the final twenty years of media have taken on their minds. Or possibly we’ll make a particular level of indicating that each character within the film is biologically sexless and is definitely only a fucking automotive with gender-affirming exteriors.

Is that what you need? As a result of we are going to FUCKING do it, you imply, trolling motherfuckers.