Expensive College students,

Once more, my sincerest apologies for providing Classics and Up to date American Tradition this semester. After I pitched this class to the English division chair, I believed Harris would win and we’d spend the semester making fascinating literary connections to her sober coverage selections. I didn’t foresee that the canon itself would leer at our nation’s pathetic descent into low cost fascism.

God is aware of what number of extra years of this nightmare we’ll must endure, however this class is mercifully at an finish. Listed here are the solutions to the ultimate examination. Be happy to grade yourselves, after which take full benefit of the open bar at my desk throughout remaining workplace hours this week.

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1. Examine the characters on the finish of Our City to ourselves on January 19, 2025. Is Emily proper when she says that the residing didn’t know the way good they’d it?

No.

2. The place is Dorian Grey’s portrait, now that it has left the attic?

Giving a presser on the brand new, Qatari-Royal-Household-gifted Air Drive One.

3. Who in Trump’s Cupboard finest represents the detestable Summoner from The Canterbury Tales?

Trick query: it’s all of them. Corrupt from pores and skin to soul, they’re dimwitted, simply bribed, they usually repeat incomprehensible drivel advert nauseam.

4. Why are we residing in Franz Kafka’s The Trial?

Pennsylvania, the Electoral Faculty, and Joe Biden’s refusal to step down earlier.

5. Who’s the equal of Jane Eyre’s madwoman within the attic?

Melania.

6. Who’s the equal of Jane Eyre?

Ivanka.

7. Which of Shakespeare’s tragedies most clearly evokes our present state of affairs?

All of them, carried out concurrently within the spherical by novice actors with pretend British accents who’ve forgotten one-third of their strains. Stage results embody fog machines, strobe lights, and the rest that may trigger seizures or coronary heart assaults. Additionally, the exits are locked.

8. Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” precisely describes which a part of our authorities?

ICE, clearly

9. Within the Iliad, Troy is the setting for an limitless warfare with unconscionable casualties. What fashionable international locations are most much like Troy?

Ukraine, Palestine, and we’ll see about Greenland.

10. Of the books we learn this semester, that are more than likely to be incinerated within the White Home’s festive book-burning celebrations?

Beloved, The Satanic Verses, and the Bible, which has been very imply to him, very unfair, and albeit, nobody’s seen something prefer it.

11. Who’s The Monster on the Finish of This Ebook?

It definitely isn’t Grover. Perhaps it’s the absence of Elmo below the tree in December? Oh no, fuck—it’s Stephen Miller.

12. Since they’ll’t have dolls, what traditional books must you give kids to organize them for his or her new actuality?

The Starvation Video games, Bridge to Terabithia, or any of the Little Home books, the place a beloved character dies of one thing that’s simply preventable with fashionable drugs.

13. Talking of kids, what are girls not allowed to have?

A room of their very own.

14. And what else?

The Vagina Monologues. The monologues will proceed, however all vagina-related content material will probably be carried out by penises.

15. Which title least represents the congressional response to constitutional overreach?

The Sound and the Fury.

16. Which novel was so painfully on the nostril a few crazed chief pursuing doomed, maniacal revenge that it led to a few separate psychological breakdowns throughout group dialogue?

Moby-Dick.

17. What ebook ought to we blame for the persistent delusion that the deserving poor will probably be lifted out of poverty by the benevolent wealthy?

Ragged Dick.

18. What’s an awesome new nickname for the president?

“Ragged Dick.”