“Cuomo holds his lead one week earlier than main day, as voters specific unease with metropolis’s path.” — The Manhattan Institute

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In case you haven’t heard: I’m operating for mayor. I’ve a imaginative and prescient for our metropolis that focuses on bettering the lives of working individuals. Nevertheless, not too long ago, it has come to my consideration that one thing is lacking from my candidacy. What can I do to display that I’m critical about holding the next workplace?

I want to start out sexually harassing ladies.

Please forgive me for taking so lengthy to determine this out. As has been identified by one vocal contingent of individuals (lots of whom possible don’t even stay within the metropolis however really reside in suburbs in a completely different state throughout the river—a state the place, by the way, my proposed revenue tax raises are already regulation), I don’t have as a lot expertise as my opponents. Nonetheless, I’ve seen the error of my methods. You might have my phrase: I’ll show to you I’m the precise man to guide our metropolis into the longer term, not by surging within the polls as a result of my guarantees resonate with a rising constituency annoyed by the established order, however by degrading, groping, and kissing the mouth of a girl who works for me—you realize, like Italians do.

Certain, it’s all nicely and good to say that I’ll increase taxes on millionaires to pay for coverage concepts like free buses and expanded common childcare. Blah, blah, blah, so what? That is the large leagues. How is anybody presupposed to respect me if I don’t ask a feminine aide—one of many actually younger ones, like, youthful than my daughters—gross, invasive questions about her intercourse life? After which make it tremendous clear to her that though she may be very younger, she’s not too younger for me, so far as I’m involved?

Why haven’t I completed this already? I may say that it’s as a result of I’ve been busy cross-endorsing different candidates who’ve didn’t sexually harass their feminine underlings. However this isn’t the time or place for excuses. That is the time to face up and say: I need to be your mayor, and I’ll spend each waking second between now and the election aggressively groping any feminine aide I can get alone. I promise you: I’ll nook her in my residence, shut the door behind us, and my hand shall be up her shirt sooner than you possibly can say “freeze the hire.”

That is America in 2025. It’s time to place away infantile issues. We have to let go of the youthful idealism that tells us fairy tales like “we stay in a democracy” and “ladies are individuals.” We have now to stay in the actual world, the place the one qualification that counts, from Metropolis Corridor to the White Home, is: Are you an unrepentant serial intercourse offender?

If you elect a mayor with an extended, harrowing historical past of sexually harassing ladies, you ship a robust message to individuals throughout this metropolis: You, too, can deal with ladies like shit—wreck their psychological and emotional well being, derail their skilled lives, traumatize and discard them—and go proper again to your life as if nothing ever occurred. As a result of, truthfully, who cares? We did care at one level, however we don’t anymore. Along with your vote, you possibly can remind everybody in your life that what males need is at all times extra necessary than what ladies need, or what ladies don’t need, like when a girl doesn’t need to be molested by her boss.

And I received’t cease there. It’s not sufficient to topic lady after lady after lady to all this non-consensual sexual contact, relentless leering, and degrading gendered nicknames. I’ll additionally retaliate towards any lady who rejects my advances or speaks out about her experiences with me. You deserve a mayor who follows by means of.

I need to make our metropolis extra humane, reasonably priced, and accessible. However none of that issues except I’m doing the actual work of sexually harassing as many ladies as I can get my palms on—actually—between now and Election Day. What number of ladies, you ask? Nice query. How does 13 sound?

Elect me, and I promise that my sexual misconduct received’t cease the day I take workplace. Fairly the alternative. Empowered by your mandate, I’ll simply be getting began.