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Pricey President Trump and [RELEVANT MINIONS]

I’m simply writing from [UKRAINE / GAZA / THE HEARD AND MCDONALD ISLANDS] to say, as soon as and for all, thanks for all you’ve carried out for us.

For too lengthy, democratic nations all over the world have [RECOGNIZED OUR SOVEREIGNTY / AT THE VERY LEAST ACKNOWLEDGED OUR PEOPLE’S RIGHT TO BE ALIVE / KNOWN THAT WE ARE UNINHABITED BY HUMANS]. Your administration has lastly put an finish to that darkish period in our historical past by [SUGGESTING A TREATY THAT RENDERS YEARS OF FIGHTING, SUFFERING, AND DEATH POINTLESS BY GIVING YOUR IDOL PUTIN EVERYTHING HE WANTED / OFFERING TO KICK US OUT AND CONVERT OUR LAND INTO TRASHY HOTELS / IMPOSING TARIFFS ON PENGUINS, ELEPHANT SEALS, AND SEABIRDS].

We need to say thanks in our language, so [DYAKUYU / SHUKRAN / “DONKEY-LIKE PENGUIN BRAY” ]. Or, to place our thanks in a language you perceive higher, we’re additionally providing [FULL ACCESS TO OUR RARE MINERALS IN EXCHANGE FOR NO SECURITY ASSURANCES / OUR POPULATION’S VOLUNTARY RELOCATION AND THE PASSIVE CEDING OF ALL OUR LAND TO YOU FOR YOUR PERSONAL PROFIT / WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE AFTER HERE: BABY SEAL MEAT? A GOOGLE SEARCH BAR SO YOU CAN FIND OUT ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT OUR TERRITORY?].

Sincerely,
Your overseas admirer

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Greetings [MR. PRESIDENT / DEAR LEADER / GOD’S FAVORITE SON]

I believe I communicate for all [CIS WOMEN / JEWS / PEOPLE OF COLOR] once I inform you how grateful I’m for this administration. As a member of a marginalized group, I’ve at all times dreamed that I could possibly be [USED TO JUSTIFY / USED AS COVER FOR / BLAMED FOR] [TRANSPHOBIA / IMPRISONING PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR BELIEFS OR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN / ANY HUMAN ERROR OR SOCIAL PROBLEM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD].

When [STOKING BATHROOM–SHARING FEARS / CALLING OPPONENTS “ELITIST” / DISMANTLING EVERY PROGRAM INTENDED TO PROMOTE EQUALITY] proved insufficient to realize your administration’s aims, I’m proud that [PREVENTING ME FROM COMPETING IN SPORTS WITH MY FRIENDS AND CLASSMATES WHOM I VERY MUCH WANT TO COMPETE WITH / CALLING ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU AN ANTISEMITE, INCLUDING ME IF I DISAGREE WITH YOU / SHOUTING “DEI” EVERY TIME A PLANE CRASHES] offered a simpler technique of [RUINING / RUINING / RUINING] our society.

I sit up for our future collaborations in [SCRUTINIZING ATHLETES’ GENITALS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / SHIPPING DISSIDENTS TO CONCENTRATION CAMPS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / USING ME AS A SCAPEGOAT EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A MISTAKE].

Your coverage alibi,
Marginalized American

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Pricey enterprise genius,

I’m a [WORKING–CLASS PERSON / MIDDLE–CLASS PERSON / SUPER–RICH PERSON]. Thanks for making me poorer.

Staying transient to avoid wasting ink cash,
[YOUR NAME. LITERALLY ANYONE]

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How’s it going, eh, President Trump?

It’s Canada, the one you love neighbor to the North. We’re recognized for being well mannered, so we’d be remiss if we didn’t thanks for saving our nation from years of conservative management.

We by no means anticipated an authoritarian American president to profit our Canadian Liberal get together, however you managed an ingenious technique of gaining affect: consolidating our whole nation’s feelings and power round one specific goal: hating you. Do you know the Liberal get together was down 25 factors in reputation whenever you started your assault on Justin Trudeau? Earlier than you turned President once more, our conservative candidate, whose title we have now already forgotten, was a shoo-in for prime minister. All it took was your relentless taunts and threats, alongside together with your basic private distastefulness, to deliver our residents to their senses and utterly flip round our election. Discuss authorities effectivity.

We’re so grateful, it nearly makes us need to change into the 51st American state.

Simply kidding. And we had been additionally kidding about being well mannered: you’ll be able to kiss our moose-, poutine-, and maple syrup-loving asses and go to H-E-double hockey sticks.

Piss off, hoser,
Canada