Folks consider Applebee’s as a protected suburban fixture, a spot the place individuals go for an innocuous meal at an inexpensive worth—however strap in, jagoff, as a result of this Applebee’s shouldn’t be like different Applebee’s. As a substitute of license plates and joyful Americana, our partitions are festooned with divorce certificates and failed makes an attempt at taxidermy.

A lot of the animals are lifeless, not less than.

Different Applebee’s branches have sports activities on TV. So can we—assuming you take into account Czechoslovakian pig-throwing a sport. These guys can actually chuck a hog. In the event you don’t prefer it, why don’t you simply shuffle throughout the parking zone to Chili’s? They’ve all of the anodyne comforts your dainty bourgeois sensibilities require, like barstools that aren’t eight toes excessive.

That’s proper, our patrons prefer it when their toes dangle.

Our servers have tattoos that didn’t go proper, medically talking. They’re bleeding and stuff. However as soon as they heal, you’re going to like them, assuming you want seeing shamrocks beating up non-Irish flowers. It sounds harsh, however the flowers had gotten actual mouthy with the shamrocks earlier, insulting the clovers’ cousins and whatnot.

Talking of our servers, they’re all legally named “Roach,” they usually take eye contact as a menace.

The opposite Applebee’s hate us, however solely as a result of they wish to be us. They need they’d the stones to make their mozzarella sticks so lengthy that diners have to carry them sideways like a flute. Or to inform patrons that their loaded fries comprise “the antidote” earlier than cryptically receding into the shadows.

Our Applebee’s menu doesn’t have calorie counts. We scratched them out with a switchblade. You both need a Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowl Supreme otherwise you don’t, dickwax. A bunch of fancy numbers ain’t gonna change that.

Some phrases you gained’t see on our menu: zesty, flame-broiled, and kick. These are buzzwords the fits at company begged us to make use of, however we are going to by no means deploy delicate adjectives to explain our lettuce. Our salads stay or die by the crouton depend, and in the event you don’t prefer it, Roach could be glad to escort you to the hospital.

As for the slogan, “Eatin’ Good within the Neighborhood,” we don’t even know if different branches use it anymore. Our slogan is easy: “Come In or Don’t.” We refuse to plead, which is why you’ll even be washing your individual plates.

Take a look at your self, along with your pleated pants and just lately minimize hair. You have got smart sneakers and customary concepts. You would by no means perceive how we’re altering the informal eating paradigm. You need a bacon cheeseburger? Too dangerous. You’re getting bacon beside a cheeseburger. In the event you can’t take it from there, you then haven’t earned the sustenance our meat gives.

And don’t even take into consideration tipping 25 p.c or no matter ungodly quantity the opposite Applebee’s anticipate. We don’t settle for cash. The one strategy to pay is by etching your darkest childhood reminiscence into our Wall of Ache. It’s within the ready space, subsequent to the picture of the softball group we promised to sponsor however aren’t.

This Applebee’s goes so exhausting, we’ve just lately obtained authorized paperwork informing us that we’re not allowed to name ourselves an Applebee’s. High quality. That was the title our oppressors gave us. To any extent further, we’ll be referred to as “Da Bee.” It’s type of like “The Bee,” which is brief for “Applebee’s,” however the “Da” type of makes it edgier.

You suppose we’re cool, proper?