A small share of my mates, coworkers, and family members might quickly be part of the ranks alongside different sizzling liquids I slurp for nourishment. However there’s additionally an equally possible likelihood that this received’t occur, which implies you’re overreacting a bit.

Folks have been as soon as in a position to respectfully disagree, however civil discourse in America has been plagued with a bitter toxicity that has turn out to be more and more tough to disregard. The vitriol in your eyes while you see me is discouraging, Frank. You will have crudely lowered me to “the person who will eat me,” which is unfair. Once I see you, I see Frank from accounting, my finest buddy within the agency, a proud single father of two stunning ladies, and sure, somebody who may doubtlessly be made into soup.

Please don’t resent me for casting my vote for the one who appeared to finest signify my pursuits. I promise you that I’m conscious about the myriad points America is dealing with, reminiscent of which bogs to make use of, the Little Mermaid’s pores and skin tone, and what we’re having for dinner. Each candidates supplied compelling factors on the financial system, however I’m not an economist. I’m additionally not Hollywood, Appalachia, or the Rust Belt. I’m simply me, somebody who was genuinely undecided till his tummy began to rumble after vaguely recollecting the one candidate’s platform included Operation: Every part Soup—a stance that would offer an unprecedented quantity of soup-related eating choices whereas additionally decreasing our carbon footprint.

Settle down. When you truly researched the coverage, you’ll know there’s a clearly outlined pecking order. It goes criminals, unlawful immigrants, protesters, and I neglect the remainder. You possibly can try the up to date Meals Chain on WhiteHouse.gov if you happen to’re curious. Technically, everyone seems to be on the menu, however I doubt individuals will probably be lining as much as eat an accountant.

Apart from, turning individuals into soup is only a pipe dream, which might by no means get help within the Home or Senate. Do you actually suppose Large Soup goes to let our authorities implement a state-of-the-art, sustainable, near-infinite provide of eco-friendly soup?

What’s that? Each department of presidency is unified on this one? That’s… stunning.

Properly, that simply exhibits you that I voted for the precise man. You understand how terribly inefficient our authorities is. What number of a long time have they been engaged on high-speed rails? In the meantime, my man’s been in workplace for a number of months and was already in a position to flip each American right into a viable meals supply. If every other president ended world starvation, you’d be demanding a rattling Nobel Peace Prize. The sensible factor is he’s being proactive by decidedly not ending world starvation. He’s going to place America first so different international locations can’t mooch off us. I’m not making an attempt to sound heartless, however we are able to’t be the world’s savior anymore. Sadly for everybody else, solely America can eat itself.

The issue is you suppose that is all about you, however that is greater than you, greater than all of us. The Melting Pot started as an experiment and has since turn out to be a stew, a savory milestone that has different nations salivating. After every little thing America has accomplished for us, we’ve been given a once-in-a-lifetime likelihood to sacrifice our lives to season the nation we love. I imply, are you able to title anyplace else on this planet that grants its residents all of the freedoms we take without any consideration?

Europe? That’s a continent, not a rustic. Apart from, I don’t suppose the Second Modification made it abroad, boss.

I do know I’m not one of many at-risk individuals dealing with instant liquefaction, however that doesn’t imply I can’t have an opinion. We’re lastly able to stability the nation’s checkbook all whereas changing into innovators on the forgotten soup entrance, and the tree of liberty should be refreshed occasionally with the blood of patriots and—

Wait, when have been unpaid parking tickets added to Tier 1 of the eligibility matrix? That doesn’t even make sense.

God dammit, this nation is so fucking cooked.