“Kennedy’s alarming prescription for fowl flu on poultry farms. The well being secretary has urged permitting the virus to unfold, in order to establish birds which may be immune. Such an experiment could be disastrous, scientists say.”
— New York Occasions

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A lethal pressure of fowl flu has been detected in the USA of America. This, apparently, is our drawback, though nobody informed us we have been accountable for birds. However now that we’re all caught up, we right here on the Division of Well being and Birds(?) need you to know that there is no such thing as a cause to fret. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a plan—and we’re feeling actually good about it. However simply in case his first plan by some means fails (which appears unlikely, however you by no means know), he has additionally ready some backup plans and a few backups for the backups, which we’re assured can be not solely efficient however extraordinarily authorized.

Plan A: Do Nothing and See What Occurs
This plan is already in impact.

Plan B: Kill All of the Birds
It’d sound harsh, however even Fauci can’t deny it—you may’t have fowl flu when you don’t have birds.

Plan C: Give the Birds Weapons
The factor about killing all of the birds is that it could most likely be actually gross, however that’s the place Plan C is available in. With weapons, the birds can kill one another, after which we gained’t must do something yucky. Plus, it’ll be an effective way to make use of all the additional weapons we now have mendacity round.

Plan D: Deport the Birds
We’ll say the birds are terrorists.

Plan E: Inform the Birds That They Received a Free Cruise, however Then We Simply Kill Them
Just like Plan B, however with a component of trickery.

Plan F: Make Eggs MORE Costly
Traditional reverse psychology. We’re so excited and grateful to spend twenty {dollars} per egg.

Plan G: Write a Musical About It
Nice PR.

Plan H: Flush an Ice Dice Down the Bathroom
It labored after we have been youngsters…

Plan I: Ship Extra Cash to Israel
The previous standby.

Plan J: Determine the Hen in Cost, Make Guarantees, Earn His Belief
As soon as we find the Hen in Cost (the largest one), we’ll supply to again it financially in change for a high-ranking place in fowl authorities. This can allow us to do regardless of the hell we would like, like be certain that the flu spreads solely to birds that don’t matter, like lady birds. Within the occasion that the Hen in Cost is unwilling to cooperate, we’ll eat it.

Plan Ok: Name Anthony Fauci
THIS IS A LAST RESORT.