TO: Heads of Government Departments and Businesses
FROM: Division of Grammar Effectivity (DOGE)
RE: Steering on grammar

The federal Authorities is eliminating inefficient grammar. NO ONE understands the right way to correctly use an em-dash or semicolon. Subsequently, these forms of punctuation at the moment are ELIMINATED to guard hard-working American Residents from additional confusion. YOUR WELCOME.

The American Individuals have registered their distaste for lengthy phrases. You’ll not must search for the phrase “sesquepedalian” within the dictionary. The truth is, President Trump now forbids People from proudly owning dictionaries.

Any longer, the president requires Company Heads to promptly cease utilizing metaphors or similes when speaking inside their companies, with different companies, or with most people. It’s like driving a bicycle; you’ll get used to it.

THERE IS TO BE ABSOLUTELY NO HAIKU IN EMAILS.

The Oxford comma is now eradicated as a result of OXFORD is ELITE. Additionally, Oxford is in England, and that is AMERICA. Any longer, England can be known as These Idiots Who Let Their Finest Individuals Go to Begin a New Nation. You might use the acronym TIWLTBPGTSANC. In any other case, using acronyms is forbidden.

INTERROBANG!? IT has the phrase BANG in it, and that sounds VERY POWERFUL. SO they’re ALLOWED!?

The U.S. Division of Grammer Effeciency (DOGE) goes to dispose of wasteful run-on sentences and actually we consider that no sentence needs to be longer than twenty phrases, so you’ll have to get used to writing shorter sentences, the earlier the higher in order to get with this system and we all know you are able to do it. Try for one-word sentences when attainable. See?

All sentences, paragraphs and memos ought to higher serve the American individuals by making a minimum of one reference to sizzling canine.

Businesses ought to deal with eliminating as many punctuation marks as attainable. Assume. Do you actually need that comma? Or is it a waste of taxpayer’s {dollars}? Come to think about it simply overlook about apostrophes. Simply put them any’the place. Or dont.

Do Not fear about Which phrases to Captitalize or put in ALL CAPS. Simply go along with a vibe. Emphasize WHATEVER NEEDS IT.

Businesses ought to guarantee they don’t have have an effect on and impact confused, as a result of that would have a complicated have an effect on. Or impact. You recognize what, fuck it. It doesn’t matter. Simply use them loosey-goosey.

Comma splices. We don’t know what these are, who cares.

Pronouns needs to be prevented completely. As a substitute of writing “He saved America” write “The Nice and Fantastic Donald J. Trump saved America.”

Sentence fragments.

In case you misplace a modifier you need to search to consolidate areas of your company group chart till you discover it.

No extra colons as a result of colons are completely disgusting.

Don’t use any adverbs. DO not say Donald J. Trump ran swiftly to save lots of America. Simply say Donald J. Trump Saved America!

Exclamation marks are good! One is okay! Two is healthier!! THREE!!!! WHY NOT!!!!!

The one applicable dialogue tag any longer is “mentioned.” There can be no “shrieked” “yelled” or “cried” even when that’s what individuals in your division are doing. Here’s a correct instance. “Donald J. Trump is wonderful,” mentioned cool dude Elon Musk.

Any new statutes written from this level on needs to be written completely in Comedian Sans.

In case you by no means bought the grasp of not placing two areas after a interval, welcome again. You might now put as many areas after a interval as you want.      Placing one house after a interval is a symptom of wokeness and DEI hiring practices.

Topics and verbs needs to be aligned of their missions to assist President Trump always.

From Now on, Your not allowed to Criticize anybody eleses Grammer or Misspellings. Its elitist.

“Fact” should at all times seem in citation marks.

Ellipses… CAN BE USED… SOMETIMES… so as to add DRAMA…

All American Shops will now be required to have at LEAST one misplaced apostrophe and a few random citation marks within the title AND/OR signage. FORE EXAMPLE… “Egg’s” at the moment are solely $3 THANKS TO TRUMP.

Please USE these Methods As Quickly As Potential… AND DONT FORGET TO TURN OFF SPELL CHECK.

“THANK YOU.”

PS. HOT DOG’S?!