Expensive Author,

We remorse that your story doesn’t meet our present wants—a lot as we apparently don’t meet Mandy’s present wants. We want you luck putting this piece elsewhere. We additionally want Mandy would give us another probability. We suppose we don’t all the time get every part we want for.

Sincerely,
The Editors

Expensive Author,

Thanks for sending us your poetry. Please know we’ve totally thought of your work. Now we have additionally totally thought of all our previous textual content conversations with Mandy. We see now that we most likely got here throughout as overly keen. Our pal Derrick says we should always use much less capitalization and punctuation in our messages, in order to not look “uptight.” However Mandy is aware of we’re an editor. Does Derrick assume Mandy could be impressed by us being dangerous at our job? Not that we’re prescriptivists—we imagine in authentic expression over adherence to grammatical “guidelines.” However sending a “u up,” as Derrick suggests, feels crass. Anyway, we’re not accepting these poems.

Greatest, 
The Editors

Expensive Author,

“We appreciated the chance to assessment your submission; sadly, it’s not a proper match for us at the moment.” 

That’s the rejection we simply received for our hybrid narrative, “Nor/Mandy Invasion,” and whereas we’re not upset, we do discover the phrasing odd. “A proper match?” It sounds hillbilly-ish to us, like “These britches ain’t a proper match, Paw.” It’s wonderful, although. We’re wonderful. 

As on your piece, we’ve determined towards providing publication at the moment. See how skilled that sounds in comparison with “not a proper match”? In order that ought to be some comfort.

Regards,
The Editors

Expensive Author,

Thanks on your curiosity, however your writing isn’t a match for our journal. 

Really, “match” by itself nonetheless sounds improper. Is it us, or does “match” nearly indicate one thing sexual? Sorry, we’re in a wierd place emotionally. We’re going to take a pause and end this rejection later.

Cordially,
The Editors

Expensive Author,

We’re unable to incorporate your flash fiction in our upcoming difficulty. This isn’t a touch upon the standard of your writing. 

It clearly is, although? That’s such a lie, like when Mandy stated that we have been an incredible particular person, however she wasn’t on the lookout for something severe. In the meantime, phrase has it she and Derrick are fairly severe.

Respectfully,
The Editors

Expensive Author,

Sadly, your essay was not among the many items we chosen throughout this studying interval. Many authors of authentic and well-crafted items will obtain this letter, and you’re additionally receiving it.

What if we despatched Mandy our hybrid narrative? Tremendous casually, like “Haha, take a look at this random factor we completely wrote as a joke”? Is {that a} loopy concept?

Casually,
The Editors

Expensive Author,

Thanks for the look, however we’re afraid we’ll need to go. As writers ourselves, we all know how a lot time goes into one’s craft. For instance, one can pour one’s life’s blood into a chunk of hybrid writing that mixes prose, poetry, track lyrics, animation, NFTs—an actual Gesamtkunstwerk—solely to have one other particular person reply with a two-line electronic mail about how they “don’t actually get this experimental stuff, however good for you, being inventive.” After which one sees that particular person’s Instagram story the place they’re out with Derrick at a glow stick occasion on the trampoline park. And Derrick has posted a snarky remark alluding to at least one’s very weak work, though one didn’t give permission for it to be shared with stated ex-friend Derrick. Then one remembers that folks can see who seems at Instagram tales, so one posts a thumbs-up emoji prefer it’s no massive deal and one isn’t dying inside. And one resumes studying literary submissions alone, which one has achieved ever because the complete masthead give up as a result of they felt “disturbed” by one’s crying throughout employees conferences. In conclusion, hopefully this piece will discover the proper dwelling, like Mandy and Derrick discovered one another.

–The Editors

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