“[T]he College of North Texas administration just lately censored the content material of greater than 2 hundred tutorial programs, together with by mandating the removing of phrases equivalent to race, gender, class, and fairness from undergraduate and graduate course titles and descriptions. These actions had been allegedly taken in response to state laws banning sure range, fairness, and inclusion applications and practices, although the laws particularly exempted tutorial course content material.” — The American Affiliation of College Professors

– – –

Successfully instantly, race will now not be thought of as a consider admissions selections. In truth, to make sure we don’t promote equal entry to training accidentally, solely candidates named “Bradford” can be admitted to the school.

We can even cease pretending to attempt to recruit a various school.

The all-gender loos can be modified to “both-gender” loos as a result of, as biology tells us, there are solely two genders.

(The biology division has knowledgeable us that this isn’t true.)

The biology division has been dissolved.

No trans ladies can be permitted to take part in ladies’s sports activities, to guard the cisgender ladies who haven’t requested for cover.

Efficient instantly after this sentence, the college will now not use the phrase “trans” since that’s probably not a factor.

(The historical past division has knowledgeable us that [REDACTED] folks do exist and at all times have.)

The historical past division has been dissolved.

To keep away from implementing Title IX rules, the college will now not conduct investigations into allegations of sexual assault or harassment. This transformation will permit us to extra effectively preserve our report of zero penalties for these accused of sexual assault or harassment.

All ladies’s loos (in addition to the newly established both-gender loos) can be closed. Given our dedication to disregard Title IX, we don’t wish to give ladies one thing (on this case, loos) simply because males have them.

Consistent with our not preserving with Title IX, all ladies’s sports activities are canceled, efficient instantly. Besides volleyball, as a result of we like their shorts. Members of the ladies’s volleyball crew can be subjected to weekly examinations by a male athletic inspector to ensure none of them are [REDACTED].

The next golf equipment are, clearly, canceled, efficient instantly: Range in Motion, the Black Scholar Union, Ladies in STEM, the Gender and Sexuality Alliance, and the Minority Affiliation for Pre-Medical College students. Additionally, chances are you’ll now not say “range,” “Black,” “ladies,” “gender,” or “sexuality” in course titles, course descriptions, emails, conversations, or ideas. You possibly can proceed to say “minority” for the reason that time period is outdated anyway and since it’s not possible to keep away from evaluating all the pieces that’s taking place proper now to the 2002 sci-fi motion film Minority Report.

Except for the aforementioned exceptions, all speech is allowed. Irrespective of how heinous the hate speech is, will probably be permitted. Hate speech is free speech, and free speech is nice, so by the transitive property of speech, hate is nice.

(The maths division has knowledgeable us that this isn’t how the transitive property works.)

The maths division has been dissolved.

Regardless of the above membership closures, the Latinx Membership can be inspired to proceed. Latinx Membership, don’t neglect to publish your assembly dates, occasions, attendance data, and places on the publicly accessible school calendar.

By the way, reflecting our group values of respect and hospitality, the college will welcome ICE to campus with open arms.

The college will finish the cafeteria’s pernicious range, fairness, and inclusion program, in any other case referred to as “Taco Tuesday.”

Efficient instantly, after the conclusion of this sentence, the college will now not be utilizing pronouns.

(The English division has requested to be dissolved. Farewell and better of luck to [REDACTED].)

In brief, nobody in energy wants to fret: The college’s subversive mission to empower the general public with data and to encourage our college students to assume for themselves has been suspended indefinitely.

Sorry, is “themselves” a pronoun? In a shock flip of occasions, the college is, for the primary time, acknowledging our want for an English division.